Chakotay (chakotay) wrote,

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It's been a long time since I've posted on the LJ system. Too many memories, you might say. And it is lonely coming on here, knowing the system is operable, but the people whom I shared it with are no longer with us. Except for harrykim, of course.

It was Tessa's idea to check and see if the system was still working. I'd told her about it over breakfast this morning and she said maybe keeping a journal like I once did would help come to terms with what happened to Voyager. I answered that I hadn't been very good at journaling in the past, but she was very insistent, saying maybe it was time to start up again. So here I am.

harrykim has asked me to meet him for lunch. He says he's figured out what happened to Voyager all those years ago. I'm apprehensive, but Tessa has urged me to go and hear what he has to say. A part of me wants to leave the past exactly where it is -- I've moved on. New life, new career, new everything -- it's not that I've forgotten or don't care, but I also realize that I can't let what happened to Voyager eat away at me for the rest of my life. It's a calculated decision to move on with my life and I know Harry's upset with me.

I worry about him. He is completely consumed by Voyager, obsesses about it regularly and send me messages about his latest discoveries. He spends hours in the holodeck running scenarios and revising calculations. Voyager -- what became of her -- has become Harry's life. It's not healthy, but he won't listen to reason. Harry has become singularly focused on the past, on a single moment that took place fifteen years ago, and I understand his resentment. I should be the one by his side, helping him figure out what went wrong and how we can fix it; but I'm not. Instead, I'm enjoying breakfest with Tessa, teaching at Stanford, and occasionally giving a lecture at Starfleet Academy. This is life. What Harry has is... well, I'd call it post-traumatic stress syndrome, but that's not quite right.

But I do have a nagging question -- what if Harry has indeed come upon something that could reverse what happened? If he's right, if this really is the solution *this* time, then then we have to act. However, acting means giving up the life I've created here, destroying this new timeline Harry and I've lived, and most of all, it means saying good-bye to Tessa.

I do love her.

Maybe not in the same way I've loved others, but she means something to me. She is real, warm, loving, and always sensitive to what I might be thinking. I know she loves me and she has been forceful in the past about getting me to face the Voyager demons. She's been supportive then, but this, this might be too much to ask of her.

In the meantime, I've been reading over some of the old LJ entries saved on the system. I miss them, all of them -- Tom, Seven, the EMH, Neelix, Naomi, Tal Celes, Tuvok and especially, Kathryn.

I still don't know what to do. Harry's been wrong in the past. There's no use getting my hopes up -- it could just be more of the same.
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